My name is Monastatosaximus. However, when I met my golfer Sarastro, he immediately said, "That's too long. I'll call you Monastatos for short." I had no choice but to let that stick (it could be worse- in school there was this annoying rhythmic gymnast who kept calling me 'Toast')
I've been caddying for Sarastro a few years now, and let me tell you right now that I think he's the most terrible golfer the world has ever seen. The deal, however, is that I must caddy and live with him on his immense property until I turn 18 - which will be in exactly two months. Until then I have to: carry and wash his clubs, replace divots, rake the sand traps, chase after his errant balls and care for the greens. It's a thankless job but I can live with that because he also allows me to do my favorite chore: watch after his daughter, Pamina.
Pamina is the radiant light in this boring and annoying world of mine. She came to live with us three months ago and, despite being his daughter, keeps trying to run away from Sarastro. It's taken some time, but I think I've finally started to get on her good side. In fact, for the first time since she moved in she didn't throw her dinner at me or splash her drink in my face when I brought it to her. Maybe it's time for me to declare my love to her? But old man Sarastro doesn't seem too thrilled with the idea of us getting married.
I overheard him telling his friend that there's a new guy that he'd like to set up with his daughter. Apparently this new guy's a cheerleader or something. Ha! Who ever heard of a guy being a cheerleader? How lame. Waitaminute - Pamina is a cheerleader too. No...no it can't be?! That's why Sarastro wants to set them up? Because they both cheer?
Well, that won't happen because I'm going to tell Pamina before that stupid guy cheerleader gets to her. I'll show Sarastro. And that new guy. Nobody messes with Monastatosaximus! And I mean nobody...
Wait who's that running across the 9th green? It's Pamina! My dear, DAINTY LAMBKIN! I must chase after her and confess my love to her. I know a shortcut and I'll cut her off...
See Monastatos, er, Joachim Luis this Friday & Sunday - March 25 & 27 in Mozart's The Magic Flute. Reserve your tickets online.